Akron Goblin Sanctuary

"Well, I had quite an adventure here! I assume the sanctuary only allows viewing the goblin from a distance, as when I arrived, I was greeted by a sweaty shirtless man who identified himself as "ed" who threatened me with a paintball gun if I got any closer. From my safe area on the sidewalk, I watched as two Akron police officers went on the porch and spoke to the actual goblin himself! The goblin appeared to be quite distressed today, complaining loudly about someone named "Marty" and about "trolls on the internet". After they had left, the goblin took one final slip of his sludge, and left it on the porch. I tried a little bit and I felt just like the goblin! I had to take cover and return to my hotel once I saw drones dropping paint on the house from the air. Overall, I really enjoyed this trip! It was very eye opening to see how goblins live in the 21st century. I only wish I received some better hospitality."

"If your looking for a good time in Akron check out the local good will at night for the nightly hobo knife fight battle royale. If you want an evening that will blow your mind, check out Akrons very own goblin sanctuary. That place was wild! it had everything! took my GF sister out on our first date, you know something really classy. We arrived and noticed what appeared to be several drones dropping bottles of unknown liquids on the sanctuary's building. some appeared to be human waste, some of the jars were some type of red paint like liquid, while others appeared to be on fire with some kind of flammable liquid. This display of air superiority was extremely impressive, we both notice a shirtless individual holding a paintball gun and downing a bottle of prescription pill next to a pile of empty PBR cans. This unhinged individual took aim and started targeting the drones. Excellent I thought nothing gets a woman hotter then seeing a pyrotechnic show. While this was going on we noticed workers dismantling the fence and garage like building on the back. Maybe they are building a bigger inclosure for the goblins to have more room for them to run and play. Unfortunately that wasn't the case, after asking one of the individuals I was told that everything was free and had to go. Just my luck because I didn't bring my scrap trailer on the date. After watching the drone air battle for about 30 minutes we notice one of the goblins breaking out of the sanctuary. its scream or rage was spine chilling, the only thing I could understand was the name "Marty"! Apparently the town of Akron had dispatched a battalion of Akron police as well as some of the local militia groups from the Ohio badlands. The goblin managed to squeeze through the opening of the security door and ran out into the street. Both the police and militia took aim and tried to dispatch this unhinged goblin, unfortunately missing it entirely. the goblin scampered off screaming "6 years" and "well gees" and it escaped into an open manhole cover, possibly to never be seen again. Let's just say the date was a complete success, and I now owe child support to yet another woman. Good luck trying to get it! blood from a stone... blood from a stone. Also I managed to snap a photo of what took place! enjoy!!!!"

"I've never seen a specimen quite like they have on display at the Akron Goblin Sanctuary. It's as surly and stupid and untalented as it is smelly and it shouts and howls racial slurs at anyone and everyone. Screams about getting a job and how he does it all for his friends and family and how none of this is fair. It was embarrassing - even by goblin standards. The price of admission was a little steep - I mean... 80mg? But Ed, the doorkeeper, was wearing a little red number that really accentuated his voluptuous curves - so I figured why not. There was a bonus wildebeest display. They called her Sally and she was a fine specimen. You could tell that she's had a lot of kids, as her udders actually wrapped around the giant belly and still went below the belt. But she was cool and offered to "Lotion Me Up Like Chance," whatever that meant. I wish I had worn some protective clothing, as I now have to burn everything I was wearing due to a bedbug infestation that Orkin was all "Good luck, bro" about. Overall - a bit disappointing and expensive and the bonus "Metal Core Show" was about as pleasant as being thrown down a flight of stairs with forks in your ears. Gave it an extra star for easy parking."

"It was a great time for all the family. After just a little bit of light bribery, the goblin does a jolly dance for everyone. It would honestly be rated five stars if not for the stench. Are the wranglers not washing this little creature? Other than that slight nitpick, it was a wonderful experience (we even got to see the goblin get mated with by a security guard!). As stated, a fantastic experience for the whole family. Just be sure to keep your children within eyesight."

"The live music was trash. Dance show was decent. The state of the goblin was kinda sad, his head was just a big scab and he had drool running down his beard. It doesn't even look like they take care of him with the state he's in. Candies from Ed's candy bowl was nice and strong. All in all worth the trip if you're in the area."